My beloved, ADHD

Jun 20

I met my Beloved in 1980 when I was 23. I was on the road to some sort of academic greatness when they appeared. I was to learn that they can appear at any time, and in differing outfits, differing genders, and with differing skill sets. This first time, he appeared as an enthusiastic father, excited to be with me and show me a world that I had hoped for but didn’t think was possible. We read the whole Sunday New York Times together every weekend! We read books for FUN, just like when I was a kid. And I was comforted by his presence.

Another time, she showed up as a strong advocate, wearing a suit, tie, white shirt, and fedora. We stood up to people and that was pretty thrilling. With her I learned my worth and found my voice. I learned to believe in myself. I taught a group of students to trust me. I taught another group to trust themselves. I taught still another group to do yoga, and another to read Shakespeare. My Beloved and I enjoyed each other immensely and we made great memories.

After a time, my Beloved came to me nearly every day as a lost parent, dragging through life, often crying, and with a look of utter discouragement. At that point, I dedicated myself to families - healing the parents and the children/teens and teaching them to be healing presences for each other. I grew by leaps and bounds and was constantly stimulated and mostly focused (LOL) on my vision of changing the way the world views ADHD

That’s when I fell in love with my ADHD.

Having to present ADHD to others made me step up and claim my point of view. I would tell people, “If I had a choice, I’d choose to have ADHD. I LOVE my brain!” We’re told that “falling in love” is the ultimate, yet for those of us who have been in long-term collaborations, love is a daily choice. And choosing that can be challenging on those days when one or another or both partners are showing their less charming side.

When ADHD shows up with negativity, I can choose to sink to its level and share in its hopeless presentation. Or, because it’s ADHD and because I’m absolutely in love with it, I can do whatever I want: I can bask in its warmth (albeit hidden in that moment), I can continue trying to make it bend to my will (I advise against this), or I can give it meaning by reframing what’s going on.

The partnership I have with ADHD is my most important relationship, even though it is not all that I am. Falling in love and staying in love with ADHD is the only sustainable path, and I need to remember that when my partner is having trouble, it doesn’t mean that all is lost. When distracted, I don’t have to growl, whimper, or beat my head, repeating “focus, Focus, FOCUS!” Instead, I think about how much I love my creativity, my insatiable desire to learn, my sense of humor, my ability to calm myself by painting or calling a friend or meditating or maybe, eating a meal because I’m physically depleted.

I don’t have to accept the common view of ADHD

As a woman and as a business owner, I know how to create a different paradigm than the one that surrounds me. Or if I don’t, I can ask for help. But accepting conventional opinions about ADHD is something I refuse to do. I didn’t come this far just to accept some some hierarchy that casts this relationship, this partnership as “difficult” or “flawed” or “problematic.” I am the Queen Bee - I hold the responsibility - to sustain or renew our healthy and generative hive.

How do you learn to sustain your hive?

This is not to say that all I need to do is see myself as IN CHARGE and then it happens. You already know that ADHD doesn’t change at the drop of a hat, even when one is eager to change. There’s the TRANSITION PERIOD, something that I actually dread even though I love change. You know the example of opening a cocoon before the butterfly has emerged. You get Dead Butterfly or Cocoon Mush. And it’s the same with ADHD because some of us (possibly me!) will refuse to participate in the transition if it’s moving too slowly. We become anxious because we’re waiting for the Butterfly. We work for the Butterfly not for the cocoon, but you can’t have the end product without the transition.

I have help

That’s why I have a team of people that I can turn to when I need to talk or release the grasp of anxiety. I have techniques that work for me, and it’s a great idea to find techniques that work for you. It doesn’t matter what the strategy is; gathering tips or trying out the tweaks that you’ve read about isn’t efficient or calming. What’s most important is that you find what works for you. If it doesn’t work for you, then it’s a bad idea, regardless of everything else. ADHD encompasses almost every aspect of our being and it behooves us (love that word!) to make personal whatever changes or challenges we need to address.

a concrete, if brief, example from my own life

In the prevailing Judeo-Christian tradition, people who believe in a Divine Being of some kind, often think of that being as singular, or as 3-in-1. For me, that doesn’t work. One isn’t enough because, “What if he/she/it/they is sick today?” (No judging! That’s how my mind works!) Instead, I have a Pantheon of Divine Beings of one kind or another helping me out. I feel less anxious knowing that I have “back-up gods,” so to speak. You see, it doesn’t matter to me at all what you think of that. I need to do what works for me or I don’t function well.

But that’s me

That might not work for you. Or it might work for a few days or a few weeks and then it stops working. That’s why trying this and that isn’t very efficient and why having a guide to help you (sort of a Sherpa/Coach who knows the path very well) is a safer choice. You have a business to oversee and delays are not particularly helpful! My ADHD Agility Coaching becomes a process to uncover and customize your road map through the world. Why detour here and there when you can make better use of your time, your money, your heart, and your mind?

If you’d like to chat about what your best next step is, contact me here and set up a free 30-minute chat. I am excited to hear from you!

What are some ways that you could treat your beloved with nurturing care? what would work for you?

Comment below and I will respond in writing or with a video. (Thanks for your patience. Still figuring out the way this blog works. I’ll get back to you!)
Cheers, Yafa xo

Yafa Luria